Are We Always Following a Script?

Mike's Proposal to Phoebe

Media plays a role in creating a vision of how a proposal is “suppose” to play out. The proposal script is notorious for the guy getting down on one knee and asking his girlfriend to marry him as she answers yes through tears of happiness. A diamond ring typically follows the response. According to most media, these steps add up to equal and successful proposal. When Phoebe is proposed to in the series, Friends, her proposal does not go according to the expected script and one may wonder just how deeply this script is ingrained in our minds.

In the scene linked above, Phoebe sits at dinner as her on-again off-again boyfriend David tells her that he cannot live without her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. As David pulls out the ring and begins the traditional proposal script, Mike, Phoebe’s recent ex-boyfriend, whom she split from because of difference of opinion on marriage, shows up behind David. Mike takes control of the scene and tells Phoebe that he has made a mistake and he can’t think of any reason for them to be apart. Mike then says, “Phoebe will you marry me?” and Phoebe starts to smile but untraditionally responds with “No.” The live audience laughs, as it is typical of Phoebe to act in a non-traditional manner in a situation. As referenced in Drury and Bukowski’s chapter on sexual development, women are not socialized to take the upper hand and control the situation. Women are oriented to be passive as men take the proactive role. Phoebe defies this idea by not responding with “yes” to Mike’s proposal. She doesn’t simply go along with his plan and instead indicates that to her the proposal isn’t everything. However, she makes it clear that she needs to know that the relationship is going somewhere, which is a characteristic that aligns with the stereotypical female character. Phoebe wants commitment. The code of commitment is spoken about in the Kim et al. reading that categorizes aspects of the heterosexual script. The reading says that women desire relationships. While Mike was not looking towards the future before, he realized that his fear of commitment, specifically marriage, was ruining his relationship with Phoebe. He comes to the realization that if he wants Phoebe he must change his school of thought and stop fearing this life long commitment. Here Phoebe once again negates traditional ways and shows that a woman can have the power in a relationship too.
It is important to note that Mike does not follow his steps in the script so was Phoebe supposed to have responded with “no?” At the time, Mike was not Phoebe’s boyfriend and as he sat on a chair and did not get down on his knee, there was no ring. Clearly Mike was not following protocol so why should Phoebe? This brings up the question of the audience’s response. Was the audience laughing because Phoebe unexpectedly said no and was not following the script or were they laughing because of Mike’s poor attempt at a “real” proposal? The way one thinks of this untraditional proposal scene is important to understanding one’s feelings about the traditional script and whether the script is a thing of the past or crucial to follow going forward. 

Looking at this other link where Mike Proposes to Phoebe, it is obvious that something has changed because this time Phoebe says “yes.” In fact, as Phoebe and Mike sit in the restaurant after Mike’s two failed proposal attempts where he tries to ask Phoebe to marry him in a way that is known as “cheesy,” Phoebe reassures Mike that she will say yes whenever and wherever he asks. While Mike is effortlessly trying to follow the script and ask Phoebe to be his bride, Phoebe keeps predicting what he will do because he is so closely following the script put forth by media. When the waiter brings them dessert, Phoebe says that she will still marry him even if he is the “lame guy in a cheesy movie that hides it in the cake.” Unfortunately for Mike, he was about to be that guy. Phoebe calling out the traditional proposal script is making a mockery of the script, which is ironic when Mike decides enough is enough and gets down on one knee as noted by the script. Phoebe tells him to wait as she takes off her jewelry to prepare for the moment and then says, “ready.” While Phoebe was almost mocking the script before, she is now playing along and wants that picture perfect moment. Mike then tells her that “there is no one else in the world that I would ask to marry me three times.” He slides the ring on her finger and suddenly they are back again following the script.  

            As much as people want a unique proposal and to be different, the proposal script is so deeply ingrained in our minds that maybe subconsciously no one can help but to follow the script in one way or another.

References-

Kim, J. et al. (2007). From Sex to Sexuality: Exposing the Heterosexual Script on Primetime Network Television. Journal of Sex Research, Vol. 44, 145-157.

Drury, K. M. & Bukowski, W. M. (2013). Sexual development. In D. Bromberg & W. T. O’Donohue (Eds.), Handbook of Child and Adolescent Sexuality (pp. 115-144). San Diego, CA: Academic Press.